As parents, we all want our children to grow up self-confident, to be able to stand on their own two feet and to be successful in the future. Self-confidence is an important quality that shows that a person values themselves, is responsible for their actions and is ready to deal with life’s problems.
Some parents perceive self-confidence as the ability to exert superiority over others. They teach their children to be a kind of “master of life”. Such children often grow up self-centered, unable to understand other people’s feelings, thinking that they can do things beyond their abilities, and behaving aggressively if they don’t get what they want.
When a human baby is born, it is completely dependent on an adult. It cries when it is hungry or sick, it wants to be held when it feels anxious. If parents quickly understand the baby’s needs and meet them on time, the child learns that he or she is safe, loved and cared for. The baby feels safe when it realizes that it is fed when hungry and cleaned when dirty. Already at this stage, the foundation of a healthy personality is laid. Self-confidence is born from the feeling of being safe. If the baby knows that parents will come to the rescue in a difficult moment, it will not be difficult for the baby to learn to believe in its own strength.
Parents play a big role in building a child’s self-esteem. By observing how your child behaves around peers at home, in kindergarten or at school, it is not difficult to see whether he or she is developing self-confidence. When a child speaks quietly, often bites his/her nails even when the situation does not require it, straightens his/her clothes for no apparent reason, licks his/her lips, these are signs of minor indecision, insecurity and complexity.
Some signs that children’s self-confidence is not sufficiently developed can be:
- Speaking in a low tone of voice
- Don’t put your hands in your mouth
- Averting your eyes when talking to a person
- Feeling uncomfortable around other people
- Often angry with people they don’t know
- Fear challenges and often choose easier things
- Feel panic or worry before doing new things
- Embarrassment of meeting and communicating with new people
- Conforming rather than coming up with an idea of your own
- Remaining silent for long periods of time in new environments
- Avoiding trying different things
Children with insufficiently developed self-confidence will be reluctant to learn new things and take on difficult tasks because they are afraid of failing or disappointing others. This fear can prevent a child from becoming a successful and happy person throughout his or her life.
The most common causes of insecurity in childhood are parents’ lack of knowledge or wrong attitudes.
- Children are not loved enough for any reason. As a result, the child feels lonely and unhappy. He or she thinks there is something wrong with me, they don’t like me because I am not good enough.
- Doing everything for children for a long time instead of developing their self-care skills. For example, feeding them, dressing them, cleaning the toilet, etc.
- Behaviors such as threatening, frightening, shouting, hitting in order to get children to behave in the right way. For example, saying sentences like “If you misbehave, I will give you to the police, I will never be your mother again”.
- Lack of understanding and support when children experience various fears. For example, instead of helping children cope with the fear of the dark, parents say things like “What is there to be afraid of? Don’t be silly, we live on the 9th floor, how can a thief come here,” etc.
- Criticizing children instead of teaching them the right behavior and being a model. “Look how well-behaved Ayşe is, how Ahmet listens to his mother more than you do,” etc.
To raise a confident child, reward your child’s efforts. It is important to do this even if the effort does not lead to success. Convince him/her that no one succeeds the first time. Success is the number of attempts. This approach will have a positive impact on self-esteem. Of course you want to protect your children from failure and disappointment, but let them try their luck in a way that feels right for them. Yes, not all children will be great artists, but if your son wants to paint, support him in his endeavor. When he grows up he will set big goals for himself, but for now let him try what is interesting to him.
Talk to your child about their talents and strengths. Understanding their strengths will teach the child to value themselves and develop their best qualities. Discuss his/her talents with him/her, show him/her that he/she is particularly good. Even when your child fails, congratulate him for his effort. Talk to him about what he has learned from his mistakes.
It is very important to give children independence. Thinking for them and telling them what to do can be a mistake for many parents. Although you are doing this to protect them, you are actually making them dependent on you. They feel unsupported, scared and helpless without you. They will not be able to gain experience in dealing with difficulties if you are clearing the stones in their path. Offer help, but do not force it. The child needs to know and feel that you are always there and will help in emergencies. That is, he or she must rely on your support, not on the fact that you will do everything for him or her. If a child is dependent on you, he or she will never develop self-help skills.
Respect your child’s thoughts and feelings. Your child has the right to disagree with you, to be angry or resentful. It is important that you acknowledge and express all his/her feelings. For example, you can say, “I know you are angry with me for not buying you that candy, but eating too much sugar is bad for your health and I can’t allow it because I love you too much.” Sometimes we worry that when we express negative feelings, they will increase. Instead of saying you are very scared, we say what is there to be scared of? But feelings only disappear when they are named and understood.
Allowing your child to express his/her own ideas and develop his/her own point of view will be beneficial for the development of self-confidence. Don’t be afraid to ask for his/her opinion on matters concerning him/her, give him/her freedom of choice. Like what to wear or who he/she wants to play with, what movie to watch. If he/she doesn’t agree with your opinion, you can say, “You know what, let’s do it that way,” if it won’t harm him/her mentally or physically. Sometimes it will make your child feel powerful to see that he or she can change your mind.
Show that asking for help is not weakness. A confident person is not someone who knows how to do everything on their own, but someone who is not afraid to admit shortcomings and ask for help. By asking for help from time to time, you can make it easier for him/her to do the same.
Teach your child to say no to people. Teach your children to respect boundaries, to say no to things and people they don’t like, to express anger if they need to protect themselves.
Do not instill in your child a sense of privilege. All children are special to their parents. But when they enter society they become ordinary people. The child must understand that he or she is no better than other people, but no worse, so that an adequate self-esteem will be built up.
Every child deserves love from birth. They should not fight for their parents’ attention. Love your children unconditionally, but talk to them to change the behavior you disapprove of. For example, instead of saying, “You are a very bad child when you behave like that,” you can say, “I don’t want you to hit your brother or sister or use bad words when you are angry.” A parent’s unconditional love and affection is the basis for the formation of a self-confident personality.
Pedagogue Berkay Dinç Çakır